It’s an icy cold winters night. It is just after 2am. All that can be heard in our home, aside from subtle hum of sleep – is the “brrrrrr, brrrrrr, brrrrrr” of my breastpump. I am pumping to make up enough milk for Daniel for school the next day. We are still exclusively breastfeeding. It is so much pressure. I ended up sitting up for an hour – sobbing while I pumped. I don’t want to do this anymore I thought, feeling so sorry for myself.

Breastfeeding, is not for the faint of heart. 

breastfeeding

It seems as I approach my final goal of one year, everything about this journey is just getting a little harder. Daniel is one month shy of a year, one month seems like a long time. But looking at the last 11 months – I’m like “Vee you can do this!!” All the while I am so tired. I don’t help myself either. Everyone who asks me anything about it – all I can seem to mutter is that I hate pumping. Breastfeeding is so much more than just pumping.

breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is good for my baby, is it good for me?

I love breastfeeding my boy. I love being his source of comfort while giving him the best that I can in terms of sustainability as well. Most of the time I love that I am the only one who can comfort certain of his needs. (I say most of the time, because sometimes I just need to go to the loo in peace. Not when everyone has gone to bed. When I need the loo.) But pumping – it is something I can definitely live without.

I am at a point where I need a perspective change. To remember that to be able to keep exclusively breastfeeding this boy whom I love so dearly. Pumping is something I need to do. That as much as I hate it – I have gotten so far. That this journey is not just mine. It is also my boy’s journey. It is OUR journey. That he is as much a part of this as I am. Staying focused gets so hard though, whilst trying to be so much to so many.

It’s okay to be tired of breastfeeding!

Is that going to help me? I certainly hope so. Because right now I just need all the help that I can get. Is this a self help post? No. Not this time. I don’t even have any advice right now. I am just here to tell you. If you are struggling with something – parenting, work, adulting anything! That I see you, that you are doing more than a good job. In fact you are doing a great job! And most importantly that you are not alone.

That, this too, shall pass.

In the meantime – it’s okay sometimes to just let your hair down and give yourself a break.

15 Comments on Breastfeeding – The mental battle

  1. You are doing so well. Look after yourself too. I did what you doing for a few weeks and I could not survive. Do what you feel is best for you, your family and baby.

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    • Thank you Cherralle, I felt for the longest time like I was doing this for all the mommy’s who couldn’t. I think sometimes it is just too much pressure. But I will see how it goes this last month. xxx

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  2. I know how you feel! I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with breastfeeding, between the punching, biting and never getting any time for myself I’ve felt down in the slumps, Especially because I’m one of the few women who has their hormones knocked out of whack because of it, I’ve had severed hair loss its so bad that I’m balding in spots and I just feel all touched out everyday, but I know this is the best for Arren and I want to give him the best. Motherhood is all about putting your wants on the back burner for your child. Hang in their mama.

    http://www.melodramaticadventures.com

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  3. Stunning for having gone so far! I breastfed until 5 and half, but sent the tin milk to daycare from 9 months! I believe that every little drop that they get from you is better than not giving it! Breastfed what you can and when he is around. That is more than enough, and it will be more sustainable in the long run.

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  4. Good for you! I pumped for a month and I only managed to do it because I had family staying with me. We breastfed all day till 2 and then after that just at night/ nap time till after 3. But I was at home and that was easier.
    It’s hard but I salute you for what you are doing and the goal that you have.

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  5. We’re nearly 5 months in. O really don’t know how pumping is going to be once I’m back at work, especially since baby does not take a bottle at all! Believe me, we’ve tried. She’ll drink enough from sippy cup to take off the hunger edge if I’m not around, but that’s it.
    I though I’d tell you that I would just love to make it as far as you did! Exclusive breastfeeding really is not for the faint hearted!
    Well said

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    • Thank you Mandy for taking the time to read and respond. Well done on getting to 5 months, those first months are really hard. Moms amaze me every single day with their strength and I have no doubt if you want to that you can. I’ve read about reverse cycling, where baby only drinks a little at school/during the day and catches up when with mom. Its not ideal but it can work. Good luck! xx

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5Pingbacks & Trackbacks on Breastfeeding – The mental battle

  5. […] When I wrote this post I was in the thick of breastfeeding Daniel, something I had not been able to accomplish with Emilie. I was so proud of where I was, exclusively breastfeeding for almost a year, but I was also so drained. So tired – I had pushed myself way beyond what anyone had expected me too. Truthfully, behind all the pride, it actually sucked. It was really really hard and the hardest part? The mental battle within myself – More here! […]

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