15 months, roughly 450 days, and a gazillion feeds later… now that I am completely normalised to breastfeeding myself. (Let’s face it, whipping out your boob all over does take some getting used to – whether with a cover or not.) Now that the pumping is over and I can relax, breathe take a lunch break. He just decided to start self-weaning. How dare he?
I am not ready.
I know, I sound crazy. I feel crazy even though, I’ve been kinda wanting my boobs back for a few months now. This is just too much of a sign of growth. My heart has #fomo. Strangely it didn’t even happen gradually. I had this plan that at 18 months I would start giving him a bottle in the evening. He is drinking fresh milk in the day now, and was just drinking from me in the evenings. And one night about a week or so ago – he walked up to the counter, pointed at his empty bottle and motioned for it.
We thought it was cute. Pffft! Filled it up, warmed it and gave it to him. This next part, broke my heart. Insert the sound of breaking glass. After putting him into bed, he proceeded to finish his bottle. Gave it to me, moved around and then closed his eyes and went to sleep. No rocking, no singing. He just dozed off. What the heck? I know. A bottle wasn’t enough. Now he’s self soothing too? *Nod and agree*
He has been sleeping through the night for a while (touch wood!), so he only wakes up now to have a sip sip of boob at like 4:30 just before the sun comes up. He humours me most days when he comes home from school and asks for nana (breast), but that’s it. One day he was drinking literally till the cows come home and the next – nothing.
My heart aches because I wished it away so many times, and now it’s fading and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it. I do however know that I am really sad. Sad that it’s coming to an end. That the chapter I am so proud of is almost over. Sad that my boy is growing up and that it’s happening so fast.
It’s a good thing I guess that it’s not hard for him. I’m grateful for that I guess. Although it would make me feel a little better if it was. Is that terrible? Am I a terrible mother?