I have been AWOL (absent without leave) for a week, whilst my life has been less than its usual imperfect self. All the while looking back now I tried to maintain some normality – which as we know raises even more havoc!The #ECMeetUp was on my calendar (side note: this was amazing!) for a really long time, but early last week it seemed this plan was destined to fail. Is this a Murphy’s Law thing? Because I really, really could do with a break here!
DJ was bitten by a spider last week, and we (hub and I) were suffering from the side effects all week. Which led to us coming down with flu – Ian is officially down. Actually he’s wayyyy down – rock bottom sick at the moment. Get where I am going yet? Where in amongst all this, was there time for me and my plans for #ECMeetUp? What mom does stuff like that? Leave her family in the lurch, while she goes out and has a good time? This was the guilty voice in my head, smearing all the walls of my mind red with feelings of inadequacy. Nevermind I thought, they will be fine. Eventually I did go, because Ian and I had convinced myself that this was important for me.
I must admit though – I really didn’t need too much convincing because I really wanted to go.
Then… I came home. I feel the need to pull my hand over my face at my silliness, but I’m going to tell you about it anyway. So picture this – Ian is sick – and looking it, Daniel is hyperactive, as children tend to be – when you are feeling sick. His toys are laying all over, dishes are piled high in the sink and Ian says with the sappiest voice “Love, I need to have a little nap”. Of course I obliged, even though I really needed a nap too, having a good time is tiring you know?
The poor man, I thought, had been looking after Daniel all morning alone – while sick.
So that I could go out, and do my thing.
I felt so guilty.
I could literally hear my guilt painting the walls of my mind again, instead of just saying: “Thank you for loving me enough to give me this time to just be a blogger”. Which is exactly what I should have said. I ended up – Talking to myself – justifying, back and forth, with my imaginary judge and jury. It ate me inside up inside, until I said it – “I feel like I need to pay for going out” – GASP! Once it was out I immediately regretted it. I knew that he hadn’t been the one making me feel guilty.
It was me.
I was trying to justify my going and having fun by cleaning, being organised, cooking more, being better. What a silly woman I am! I quickly thought up some reasons why it was okay and jotted them down here for ease of reference. Okay I lied. I didn’t do it quickly. But hey – now they are here so you don’t have to.
Reasons why it’s okay to have fun without your kids:
- You are more than just a mom. Last weekend I went to a wedding (yes, I did that too) and for the first time in 18 months I felt like a woman again – not just a female who has a baby. Which is mostly what I have been feeling since I’ve had DJ. What a difference it made to how I looked, my body language and how I felt. Girls, we are so much more than just moms – although being a mom is thee bestest thing that has ever happened to me. I also need to be defined as more.
- You cannot pour from an empty cup. Have you ever heard that saying? It’s a saying because it’s true it means you can only be the best mom for your children and the best wife to your husband when you are whole. When you are a whole person – laughing, walking, reading, long baths and have quiet time with God help me to fill up my cup. Remember that it helps your kids too! (This helps me).
- Monkey see, monkey do. So we are an example to our kids of what functional adulting looks like right? Or are we? Is this what I want for my daughter? Do I want her to feel crazy? Or guilty when she wants to go out? No I don’t I want her to own it. I want her to honour who she is as a woman, it’s going to help her marriage, her job and her kids. I want that for her. So I also need to figure out how to do it for myself and be happy about it.
Yeah so that’s it – that’s me and my mom guilty wrapped. Just kidding – I’ll be trying to wrap it. If you enjoyed this post, please share with your friends using my links below. And follow me on my handles – Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, I know you are cool like that!