Last week I shared about my mental battle with breastfeeding. And then I just went quiet. I got such positive feedback. Thank you to everyone who read my post and felt the need to comment it means so much to me. Some people said, stop slow down you are pushing yourself so hard. Which after reading them I was, guess what? Relieved to read. I needed someone to just say. Hey! It’s okay. Not someone though. My husband. He has been supporting me this whole time. It is how I got this far. But now… Dear husband, stop supporting me please.
Wow! I talk about him a lot. You would think he was my best friend and that I live with him or something?
Before Daniel was born my friend told me that I needed real support if I wanted to breastfeed. Someone who was going to stand by me. Because it is hard. And I was so determined. Determined to not fail. Bought books, a breastpump. I read, and man when you are pregnant you have a lot of resting awake time. You read a lot. I wanted to prepare myself mentally for this challenge. AND – It paid off clearly.
But I also drilled Ian to help me. And he did. He kept at me. He always told me what a good job I was doing. How proud he was of me. How this was such an awesome thing. I heard them and they were my affirmations. They helped me carry on when I didn’t want to anymore. Which happened a lot.
Now? Now, they feel like pressure!
We are so temperamental, I tell myself that, all the time. You want him to support you. And then, you want him to save you from yourself. Then to top of it off, you want him to know what the perfect balance is too. It is too much to ask! But I want it. 🙁
I mean, still as much as when we talk about it (me breastfeeding and supplementing) he doesn’t push me toward stopping or supplementing. He kind of seems to stay out of it. “It’s okay if you want to stop” he will say. “Let’s get some formula. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.” BUT, “Can you put my alarm on to get up and pump at 2am?” I would ask him ….. “Yeah sure!” He replies.. “Isn’t it set already?”
Is. Your. Mouth. Hanging. Open? Because mine is! What the what? Sitting here right now pumping and I’m actually pissed off at him. For not interrupting this goal of mine that seems so impossible – with something like “Your wellbeing is more important love, you have done enough”.
But then I may be angry after, or forever that he didn’t just keep pushing me another 2/3 weeks.
Can you ask someone to stop supporting you? Is that even what I want? What do I want?
Support. But not the kind you are giving.