Throw away your pride – Recovery: Step 1

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This title is so huge its laughable.

Pride is defined and most often used in the context of having deep pleasure at one’s own or close associates achievements, it is however also defined as the consciousness of your own dignity.

I have always tried to think of myself as humble which is the opposite of proud. Well the situation I have found myself in, since my emergency op – has taught me otherwise. Who could have imagined that part of having your dignity – was going to pee by yourself? Walking by yourself, bathing yourself, looking after your family, being able to turn around in the bed, being able to wear clothes outside of pjs, being able to decide if you wanted beef or chicken.

As a newly wed, when I had pictured bath-time with my husband it was kinda like the bath-times you see on tv, with bubbles, and candles, champagne glasses, laughter, some kissing… you get the gist. NOT…. minimal water to avoid the wounds getting wet, him standing over me to just check that I don’t slip or fall. I never imagined signalling for a bed pan in a hospital bed, and crying because as delirious as the medication made me and as difficult as getting up to go wee would have been. It was still the preferred option.

My advice?

Stay grateful. It’s always been my little humility secret. I kinda forgot it when all this happened to me.

I was sad – and hey – without taking anything away from the sad, because you need to be sad, you owe it to yourself to be sad when you lose things. Things that are yours. Things that weren’t supposed to be just taken away. But in my sadness I was angry – this too a justified emotion. Life is unfair. It’s no ones fault. It just is. God allows us to go through things for reasons beyond what we can understand when they happen in isolation. And its… crap.

When you are angry, you forget to be grateful.

As bad as it all is, can be and can get there are always things to be grateful for… for me they are:

• Family – a husband, a mother, a sister, a daughter that was and is prepared to do all these crazy things that I hate asking them to do, because well they wants to; because they love me, because as hard as this is for me. Seeing me and not being able to help me is also hard. Because it didn’t just happen to me, it happened to us. To our family. Because part of their recovery is helping me get better and better means not doing everything I could do before.
• Friends – wow, the love and support has been overwhelming, flowers, and messages, calls, visits to the hospital. They kept me sane.
• Health – so I lost an ovary, it’s about the size of a grape. It’s got a big function in the body, but as luck would have it I had two grapes – and now I have one. Not none. There is still hope.
• Perspective – you know how people say – you take all these things for granted and then… you don’t. Well, life can really change overnight – one day your making plans and the next your not. It’s insane when it becomes real for you.
• Work – sjoe – I never imagined myself saying this, but knowing there is a job waiting for me, a place to go where my purpose is more than this bed, brings me joy.
• Clothes – another one – I am one of those people who lives for days without bras and make-up, days in pjs…. after a week in pjs… I wore a bra with them. Crazy – huh uh. Just needed to remind my boobs and myself that order will return.

I could go into a hundred thousand nitty gritties here because there is just so much to be grateful for, and when you take the time to remember them. Life is actually not so bad.

Don’t be too harsh on yourself though. It’s definitely testing!

I just realised I’m in a new meantime. A new in-between big things. A new time for reflection. New lessons to be learnt. another opportunity for growth.

What I’m trying to say is…in the meantime – be thankful!

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