I do it because I love you…

Whilst making a scrumptious meal last night for the family, preparing to go to the dining room on the other side of the house – I handed E her plate… happily because it was yummy food, hubby and I had made the effort of cooking instead of getting take out and well my wifey/mommy work for the night was almost done. Can you tell that something is about to happen that I am sooooo not impressed with?

So I hand E her plate. And she does this half twirl in the kitchen and with a half a smile says… “Oh, should I eat without a fork tonight?”

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Emilie at her first birthday party

I still can’t believe that my innocent little girl could have said that. Of course the mother in me – my own mother came out, “I’m not your friend – I am your mother, snotty sarcastic remarks are not for me.” I continued a few other things under my breath. We had supper after prayer, in silence. I still don’t even know what to make of it. Hubby gave her a hard time, and I sat at the table – on the brink of tears.

Emilie at 4

Thinking about it now, I probably made a much bigger deal of it than I should have. But I was hurt – wait a minute…. I am hurt. This is my sweet little baby; the reminder of why, the answer to the questions I so often ask myself… my pride and joy, giving me lip? And even now with my heart full of emotion I can picture myself doing the same thing to my mom – and rolling my eyes at her response when I turned the corner.

18 months

It makes me so sad. Back then, I thought it wasn’t a big deal. That she was over-exaggerating again. The expectation of who she was as a mother and what her role was in my life was so real. She’s SUPPOSED to do all that, she’s my mom I thought. She’s not supposed to require help, assistance or a thank you, it’s her job.

In retrospect she too had those moments, when words failed her. When my attitude or the things I mindlessly said because I thought it was cool hurt her till in her very being. I finally understand…

Now I know that although all the things that initially come to mind, everything I have done for her, all the things I have sacrificed for her – they are required of me as her mom, well kinda.

But that’s not why I do them. I do them because I love her. I love her in a way where I am no longer important in this equation, where her needs are above my own. In a way that I can’t explain or describe in words – in a way that my heart at times cannot contain, that I myself don’t understand.

Of all the things I do – love is always my most prominent reason, and for love I don’t expect a thank you. I don’t love her for anything that she has or hasn’t done. I just love her. Just.

And it means that sometimes these unintentional things hurt me, but I forgive her for last night, and even for indiscretions she hasn’t committed yet.

I do it – not because it’s my job. Because I don’t know how to not love you.