The last two weeks have notably been two of the toughest weeks I’ve had in a long while. Except for that time Daniel fell and cut his head open, and had to have surgery. Not the worst but really tough. My home has been an absolute “germfest”! It started with the toddler getting terrible fevers, I was off work but it passed over soon. Then Emilie got sick, I was worried but not overly. Husband got sick, I started and we ended up at the Dr last week. Today we were back in the Dr’s office where I received some crappy deductions that made me feel – even crappier.
I’m sure that going through this is part of the right of passage when it comes to motherhood. I am absolutely and completely spent though, I stood outside the Dr’s office today and sobbed. Moment of extreme weakness, coupled with the fact that I haven’t slept much the last 48hrs. I continued to feel extremely sorry for myself. You see, although Daniel is doing much better, he’s still teething. Not sleeping much, being a little gremlin at night. Ian is being a grouch with man-flu, and Emilie… she’s been vomiting. Our nights have been rough between the gremlin and the thrower-upper.
I’m telling you all this because, I’m building up to a mom confession, one that I feel should come with some background. You see today the Dr told me that he suspects Emilie has “whooping cough”. I don’t have any experience with it, so I was none the wiser – although his tone did give me the suspicion that this is a little more serious than the common flu. Included with the fact that he will be calling to check on her often.
I missed it. I missed the signs that my child was really struggling.
This terrible cough, that caused her to vomit was suspending her breath. She told me. I heard her. But I wasn’t listening, I was hanging washing, cooking, trying to get her to study. Sorting my toddler, and I have 50 025 excuses but none of them makes me feel better. I know this happens, I know I’m not the worst mother to set foot on planet earth.
I am so tired, tired in places I didn’t know could be, tired. Lack of sleep is a silent killer, a killer of confidence, creativity, a killer of logic and mostly sanity. I’m trying to remain intentional about my parenting, failing but trying. That counts right? If this is you too – maybe you need a break. I certainly do! I’m not going to be getting one soon by the looks of things, but I will be doing things that make me feel good when I can – like write my sorrows on a page, send it into the internet and hope it helps someone somewhere.
Be kind to yourself, you are the best mom your kids will ever get!