It’s an icy cold winters night. It is just after 2am. All that can be heard in our home, aside from subtle hum of sleep – is the “brrrrrr, brrrrrr, brrrrrr” of my breastpump. I am pumping to make up enough milk for Daniel for school the next day. It is so much pressure. I ended up sitting up for an hour – sobbing while I pumped. I don’t want to do this anymore I thought, feeling so sorry for myself.
Breastfeeding, is not for the faint of heart.
It seems as I approach my final goal of one year, everything about this journey is just getting a little harder. Daniel is one month shy of a year, one month seems like a long time. But looking at the last 11 months – I’m like “Vee you can do this!!” All the while I am so tired. I don’t help myself either. Everyone who asks me anything about it – all I can seem to mutter is that I hate pumping. Breastfeeding is so much more than just pumping.
I love breastfeeding my boy. I love being his source of comfort while giving him the best that I can in terms of sustainability as well. Most of the time I love that I am the only one who can comfort certain of his needs. (I say most of the time, because sometimes I just need to go to the loo in peace. Not when everyone has gone to bed. When I need the loo.) But pumping – it is something I can definitely live without.
I am at a point where I need a perspective change. To remember that to be able to keep exclusively breastfeeding this boy whom I love so dearly. Pumping is something I need to do. That as much as I hate it – I have gotten so far. That this journey is not just mine. It is also my boy’s journey. It is OUR journey. And that he is as much a part of this as I am.
Is that going to help me? I certainly hope so. Because right now I just need all the help that I can get. Is this a self help post? No. Not this time. I don’t even have any advice right now. I am just here to tell you. If you are struggling with something – parenting, work, adulting anything! That I see you, that you are doing more than a good job. In fact you are doing a great job! And most importantly that you are not alone. This too shall pass.